‘Chalked Up’ reveals the need for a balanced coach-gymnast-parent triangle

The backlash has begun now that Jennifer Sey's "Chalked Up" is out. It's a detailed account of her gymnastics life, and it's not always pretty.

Before I reviewed an advance copy of the book in IG, I communicated at length with Sey, the 1986 U.S. national champion who retired less than two years later. Still troubled by "a lot of the stuff that happened in gymnastics," she felt the need to do something about it.

"As an avid reader, I was in a heavy memoir-reading stage," she told me. "And I thought, 'I could do this.' So I did."

Having been a gymnast and coach myself, I read the book from inside the circle, so to speak. I could read between the lines, because I had been on both sides. And now, as a parent of two teenagers, I am experiencing the third point in the coach-athlete-parent triangle.

I had never fully understood the parents' involvement before. While writing a story on Vanessa Atler years ago, I remember asking her father about the best and worst parts of having a daughter in high-level gymnastics. He told me the worst part was seeing Vanessa emerge from a workout looking depressed. It seemed a trivial answer to me at the time. I couldn't grasp how that could be so terrible. We all have good days and bad days, right?

A few years later I understood completely when my son took up taekwondo. His strict Korean instructor could be pretty intimidating, especially to a 7-year-old. Some of the lessons were fun, but others bordered on traumatic. I absolutely dreaded seeing my kid emerge from the latter, guilty for even submitting him to such treatment. Another part of me said that the discipline would be good for him.

Parents are extremely vulnerable when it comes to their kids' endeavors. When the taekwondo instructor told me one day that my son had potential, I was ready to do anything to fuel that path. But when my son asked if he could quit after 15 months of roundhouses and belt tests, I let him. I could hear the unhappiness in his voice. If instead he had asked to move to a mega-gym three states away to pursue his taekwondo Olympic dream, I probably would have considered that option, too. It was all uncharted territory.

So here's the point: Parents will do almost anything to ensure enjoyable experiences for their kids, because that makes them happy too. (And some kids are better than others at getting what they want from their parents.) Conversely, when my kid hurts, I hurt even more. It's a helpless, horrible feeling I avoid.

When I coached gymnastics, I had little insight into the parents' feelings. I figured their joy was directly proportional to their kids' success in the sport. (Not always.) I did what I thought was right in the gym, even if it meant a little yelling.

What many people don't realize is that kids are not always perfect, innocent pupils during practices in any sport. Sometimes, through disrespectful behavior or poor attitudes, they can push a coach's buttons. Coaches are not parents to their gymnasts, but they are in a role of authority that often gets challenged. I'm sure CNN or ESPN could have made me look like an ogre with some selective video editing.

In Sey's situation, her parents allowed her the freedom to pursue her gymnastics goals. She moved away from home, which drastically altered the angles of her coach-gymnast-parent triangle. At 16, Sey was left to make far too many tough decisions on her own, in my opinion.

Is Sey's book damaging to gymnastics? I think so, only because the general public will rarely get past the subtitle, "Inside Elite Gymnastics' Merciless Coaching, Overzealous Parents, Eating Disorders, and Elusive Olympic Dreams." But I do think it can help enlighten parents who think going to the Olympics is worth any sacrifice.

At some point, all parents need to know that giving your children what they want will not always make them happy.

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